Have you ever found yourself having the same argument again and again? Perhaps it is with a partner, friend or family member. The subject may change, but somehow, you end up in a familiar place: feeling unheard, criticised, frustrated or withdrawing altogether.

But some of our most repetitive arguments happen when nobody else is in the room.

“I know I should exercise today.”

“I'll do it tomorrow.”

“That's what I said yesterday.”

“I'm tired. I don't feel like it.”

“Now I feel guilty for not doing it.”

“What is stopping me”

Whether our conflicts happen with other people or within ourselves, recurring patterns can leave us wondering: why do I keep ending up here?

Different therapeutic approaches offer different ways of exploring that question.

From a CBT perspective, we might become curious about the cycle connecting our thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Something happens, we interpret it in a particular way, emotions follow, and we respond. That response may then reinforce the very thoughts and feelings that started the cycle.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers another perspective. Instead of seeing our internal conflict as evidence that something is wrong with us, we can become curious about the different ‘parts’ involved. The part insisting I exercise may care deeply about my health or achievement. The part resisting may be exhausted, protecting me from pressure, afraid of failing or injury. Rather than deciding which part is right, we can ask what each might be trying to communicate.

An existential perspective can take us somewhere deeper still. What choices am I making? What am I avoiding? What responsibility do I have for changing something I repeatedly say I want to change? Recognising that we have choices can be liberating, but it can also be uncomfortable.

Similar processes can happen between people. Perhaps I push harder because I don't feel heard, while you withdraw because you feel criticised. Your withdrawal makes me push harder; my pushing makes you withdraw further. Before long, we're arguing about the dishwasher again when the deeper conflict may have very little to do with dishes.

Recurring patterns aren't necessarily evidence that we're failing. They can be information.

In individual therapy or couples counselling, rather than asking “Why do I keep doing this?” as a criticism, we can begin asking it with genuine curiosity.

What am I feeling? What am I protecting myself from? What need isn't being met? What are the different parts of me trying to achieve?

Sometimes changing a pattern begins not with trying harder to stop it, but with understanding why it keeps appearing.